At this point, I hope I’ve made it clear that I believe that your Essential Self is Good – you simply are – Never too much or not enough.

AND

In relationship, sometimes we have needs, requests, or impact, that are more than someone else has capacity (think skill, energy, time, resources) for, and vice-versa. This comes up a lot in our household!

This can be experienced as a "too much or not enough" kind of moment, but ultimately, at a whole system level, it's just a moment of mismatch in capacity and needs.

**Let's dispel judgement or shame around this - It’s OK to have needs and It’s OK to have limits.**

In our household there are often moments where the needs and capacities don't line up - this isn't about anyone BEING too much or not enough - these are simply moments we encourage each other to find resourcing and support elsewhere. This can still be a balanced flourishing system, as long as we bring attention, communication, compromise, respect, and care - for each other and ourselves.

Practically Speaking I’ve seen this look something like:

“I hear that you had a hard day, I really care about it, AND I’m not feeling fully resourced to listen for a long time to you talk about this right now - why don’t I handle dinner and you can go call a friend?”

“There’s a lot of emotional charge in this situation - I’m needing a minute to resource myself so I can be fully present here -I’m going to take 10 minutes for myself  and then I’ll be back ready to engage.”

“I get that you aren’t wanting a lot of social time this week, but I am really wanting more excitement and engagement in my life - I’m going to plan a social time out this week with some friends - let me know what night might work best for that.”

The invitation is to use your communication to acknowledge your needs, or limits, rather than blaming the other person. (Imagine: “You’re too needy” or “you’re too emotional” or “you’re boring” - YIKES!).

Though it seems simple, so many of us are wired to see these moments of mismatch as problematic. Remember, also, if you’re on the receiving end of this kind of communication, that it really is OK to have needs and limits. Exploring this moments often takes some compassionate witnessing, conscious conversation, and lots of curiosity.

I also recorded a short reel on this topic, that you can watch HERE.

Again, it’s a guarantee that in relationship or community that you will encounter different needs, preferences, & capacities. It helps to start by expecting these and remembering that bumping up against these differences is not a sign of a problem with the relationship, as much as it’s simply a problem of circumstance best addressed as a team!

I recommend sitting side by side and mapping out the ‘problem’ together, just like it’s a high-school math problem where there’s only one boat with 3 seats, and 6 people and a goat that need to get to the other side! 😅

The beauty here is that you can bring some lightness to the challenge, and depersonalize the differences you’re bumping up against. Now, rather than the challenge being between you, it’s something you’re up-against TOGETHER! Use all your team-work skills to find solutions that take all the differences into consideration as best you can.

It’s so easy to feel like each moment or each relationship is supposed to feel reciprocal, or balanced, or a perfect meet-in-the middle compromise. But the truth is, that’s rarely how it works.

Can you instead look at your life as a whole and aim for balance and reciprocity (as much in-flow or meeting of needs as there is out-flow and giving). This might mean that you find yourself in certain seasons of more intense giving or more intensive receiving! And it might mean that you have some relationships that include more giving or receiving. Again this isn’t wrong or even a problem, as long as you’re watching for patterns of resentment on either side of the equation.

It can be important to reflect on various factors here, such as roles, circumstances, and individual limitations. Remember that equity isn’t the same as equality and that sometimes if we carry privilege or extra resourcing in a relationship it might mean we also carry extra responsibility to care or support.

Discernment is a centering practice that helps us to make the nuanced choices about when to push or challenge ourselves, and when to give ourselves permission. 

Discernment is ultimately about trying to notice what internal 'voice' or 'spirit behind' or ‘driving force’ behind our actions is.

Whatever voices we respond to, tend to grow stronger.

Can you notice where you are building a responsive relationships with voices of guilt, shame, people pleasing, or of fear and self-protection, etc..? 

If for example we feel a pull to reach out to a friend, and we just check-in with ourselves, asking: What's the spirit/intention/voice behind this? and we notice that there's a voice of guilt and shame, a story that tells us: “You haven't been a very good friend lately, and they're probably upset with you… you really should call them”.  

The invitation is to Pause. 

Before you take any action - simply notice this motive, and then invite yourself to release the voice of guilt (etc). The challenge is to NOT take any action from that guilty/shame-y place. By giving yourself permission not to act on the guilty “should” voice, you make room to ask yourself: “What else is here?”. 

Sometimes another voice shows up quickly, perhaps it’s a voice of care, compassion, love…it might sound something like: “I really care about them, and genuinely want to know how they are”.  Or perhaps it’s a voice of commitment, values, and integrity… it might sound something like: “I want to be more intentional in this relationship, it feels important for me to initiate and reach out…”

Sometimes when we release the guilt, we realize that the only other something here is a permission to not take so much on… perhaps it’s a voice of personal autonomy, and trust… it might sound something like: “I don’t actually have capacity to reach out right now. It’s ok for me not to”. 

When we consciously choose the voices we give power to internally, we reinforce those that we want to cultivate - this is an ongoing practice that is often nuanced and complex. If it feels overwhelming, simply begin with the invitation to pause before you act.

My husband I recently learned this new tool inside the Together Community, around ‘making deals’ with each other. It’s such a great tool, because it invites you to express your wants in an unfiltered way, and makes room for compromise, while keeping it all feeling pretty light. Here’s how it goes:

Pick a topic together where there might be competing needs/desires (eg. how to use your weekend, or how to spend the community resource fund).

‍Person A: Shares their fully expressed desires using the statement: “If I could have it all my way…”

Person B: Responds by noticing what aspects of those desires are an easy Yes, or that they could be on-board with or agree to with a bit of an edit, such as “I could be open to X if…”

Then you switch roles.

Person B: Shares “If I could have it all MY way…”

Person A: Reflects what parts are an easy Yes, and what they could do with a tweak or edit…

Then you gather all that up and see what’s in front of you for a shared compromise/commitment that honors elements of both of your fullest desires.

It can take a bit of back and forth, but we’ve found it a great practice to offer the desired unedited.

A simper version of this practice is when an opportunity or a request comes your way, to ask yourself “What would I need to be Yes?” which again points you to your own underlying needs, and can create room to compromise while still inviting clarity on your own desires.